I feel that I have been in and out of churches my whole life. I have attended services at chapels, mosques, synagogues, and many more. I have been to churches in different countries, Mexico, Japan, France, and of course a few of them in the United States. I feel I have experienced so many different religions and cultures that I have lost count. But I know for a fact that I have not seen it all or claiming that I have and I want to keep experiencing more. Shoot…I have even been kicked out of a church.

I have been to churches where the pastor yells at you the entire time, telling us what you have to do to live the perfect life and if we don’t you’re going to hell and it scared the shit out of me. Churches that all you do is sing with your hands straight up in the air and if you don’t do it everyone just looks at you. Some of them even make you take your shoes off before you even walk in the door. But there has always been this one common theme in all of them…I was an imposter and I should not be there.

Let’s go back to when I was 12 years old. I had a neighborhood friend that went to a church that was close to our home. He would go every Wednesday to the youth group and he asked me to go one day. I went and I had so much fun. There were tons of kids, games, stories, and food. I started going every Wednesday.

Every once in a while we would watch movies, stay at the church all night on a weekend, and even had trips that we could go on. I looked forward to it every week. I would ask the hard questions and try to understand who God and Jesus were/are. I was excited, super curious, and definitely pushy when it came to getting the answers that didn’t make sense to me. Remember, I was 12. Youth group was awesome!

Until this one day, My friend and I got to the church and we were with all the other kids waiting for it to start. The youth pastor came to me and said, “We needed to talk.” He said that I was not a believer and that my only mission there was to change all the beliefs of the other kids to follow my ways. Then he said something that I will never forget. “You are not allowed or welcome to come back into this church ever again.”

I was crushed. I walked outside of the church and cried, kicked rocks around in the driveway, and knew that day that church wasn’t for me. I had to wait outside the whole time until the youth group was over and wait for my friend’s mom to come and pick us up.

Once the youth group was over all the other kids came outside and I could feel that they were judging me, laughing at me, and even said a few jokes about me. My friend’s mom pulled up to the church. When I got in the car, she asked, “How was youth group?” I immediately said, “Terrible and I will not be going back.”

Ever since that day any time that I was in a church, I have felt judged because I was not a full without-a-doubt believer. I felt like the church was going to catch on fire as soon as I walked in the door. I have always been pulled to go to church for some reason over the years. I really wanted to try to fit in, raise my hands and sing, and I tried my best to sit and listen to the sermon. But that never felt right and the sermons always made me feel worse. I guess I will be able to touch on that more later.

Well if you have read my last post then you will know that I just am living in the moment and walking anywhere that God takes me.

I was walking last Sunday when my life had completely changed the night prior. I was in the lowest of lows that day. On this walk, I came to the church that I have walked by and been into so many times. I was being pulled to go to the church but I was disgusting. I haven’t slept in 28 hours, probably smelled like alcohol, and I had on gym clothes. I looked and felt terrible but what did I have to lose?

I walked in and was immediately overwhelmed. It was dark because the band was on the stage singing. I snuck into the back row where nobody could see me. When the music was over the lights came on and I sheepishly looked around and a guy near me was pretty much wearing the same thing I was and it calmed me. I listened to every word of the sermon that day and every word that came out of the pastor’s mouth was meant for me to hear. I was so confused and extremely excited. They closed with a song and all I did was stand, cry, and sing the words that were on the screen. I felt at home and damn did it feel good.

As I was walking back to my house it hit me like a punch in the face. God didn’t care what I looked like. He didn’t want me to impress the people in the church. He didn’t even care if I smelled like the bottom of someone’s shoe that walked through a rock concert bathroom. All he cared about was that I was there.

So today was Mothers Day and I found myself walking again. I knew church was going to happen at 1030. I knew what I had to do! I was going as who I am! I was hot, sweaty, and still broken. I got there again at the same time. It was dark, people were signing, and I snuck to a seat. But when the lights came on almost everyone around me was wearing suits and dresses. I just laughed to myself because that’s how I thought that I had to go to church before.

As the sermon started I could feel every word coming out of the pastor’s mouth and to be honest it felt like I was being talked about. I felt like I was part of God’s team and that he was talking about me during the whole sermon. I almost felt like I needed to jump up and scream because I was so excited. I wanted to hold my hands up and sing. It felt so good because I felt accepted for once. I felt like I accepted myself for once. I felt like I belonged there.

#14… So when you find yourself trying to impress others because you think that’s the only way they should accept you, remember God only wants you to come as you are. The only reason that you should feel that you have to make yourself look good and smell good is because you want to make yourself look good and smell good. But if you want to be vulnerable to judgement and not care about what anyone thinks. Then try walking to church!

God Bless,

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