As an adult or even a man, I have never been scared of the dark. I’m strong, courageous, and I will fight any monster that dares set foot in my house. I double dare anyone or anything to come hide under my kids bed, closet, or scare them while they try to sleep. Well, I thought I was strong until I realized I have had a monster running around in my head for far to long.

As a 39 year old man, I have been terrified to go to bed. Just laying there for hours or scared of the dreams that I will have that night. For the past couple of years and intermittently throughout my life, I just couldn’t go to sleep. It doesn’t matter where I am; my bed, a hotel, in a berthing on a U.S. Navy ship in the middle of the ocean, a sky rise hotel over looking the Tokyo skyline in Japan, a flat in Bahrain, or living like a King in Thailand. My mind goes a million miles an hour as soon as my head hits the pillow. I could be exhausted but there I am thinking about the past and thinking about the future. I have solved world hunger and I have helped the homeless. I have had full on arguments with people. I have made up conversations for everyone that I will talk to the next day and then none of those conversations ever happen. I have come up so many things that destroy me that I even believed them into existence. My brain literally makes up the craziest and worst things possible.

I have tried so many things to distract myself to fall asleep. I would watch TV until passing out or scroll endlessly through Youtube videos watching whatever comes up next. I have also tried every medical possibility that I can find on my path to getting my medical degree as an internet doctor. I have taken medicine that should make an elephant never wake up. I have read books, flipped the pages in magazines, or tried drawing like I was going to be the next Leonardo Da Vinci.

I have found that I get so worked up that I start spinning, falling, and grasping for anything to catch me. The one thing that worked for me was to be near my wife. Literally anything; a touch on the shoulder, holding hands, or just barely being able to get my foot to touch hers. It would calm me and let me know that everything was ok. I felt grounded, the spinning would stop, and I would be brought back to reality. But to be honest this didn’t always work.

It hit me the other day as I was walking, talking with God, and thinking of how good I slept the night before. I now know who that monster was that I have been hanging out with in my bed. This monster that I have been listening to and being best friends with. The monster that I have been so scared to fight. The monster that shifts into every other form than the one that you see in any made up movie or story. It sounded so weird and even felt silly when I decided to name my monster that has been ruining my life. I will name my monster the devil.

Like I said before, I am a new knower of God and when I realized that if there really was a God, then there has to be the devil. Yep, this realization scared this grown man more than anything. But I will tell you, once I actually acknowledge that this monster was affecting my life and just the way God makes you happy. The devil is there to tear it down as much as he can. The devil loves to hang out with me a night and it definitely affected how my thoughts were going to be throughout the day. We have had this relationship for years. He loved to make me feel like I was worthless, miserable, and everyone was better off without me. He made my dreams my reality. I realized that without God in my life, then this monster was free to run around within my head whenever he wanted. He knew the best time that he could affect me was when I was the most vulnerable…AT NIGHT.

I broke it off with the devil the next night. Told him that we couldn’t be friends anymore and I knew immediately that he was not happy because I fell asleep. I’m pretty sure he is pissed at me but he keeps trying every night. I have found that when Im starting to spin, fall, or grasping for the closest branch. I just put my hand on God’s shoulder and ask for help. Its been calming and allows me to fall asleep. But what has been even crazier to me is that I have realized over the past couple of weeks; that the nights I am thinking about how crazy all these signs that I have been seeing from God and talking to him before bed that I will fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. Its been rare that I do that but its something that I need to work on doing every night before bed.

#16… This will be a constant battle every night but you have the strength, courage, and you can beat up every monster that comes into your house…even the Devil! God’s got your back durning the day and even at night. We are a bad ass monster beating team!

God Bless,

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